A Midsummer Night's Bleach
by CloudberryCo
Summary: Renji and Rukia have escaped into Rukongai to get married, much to the chagrin of Byakuya. Ichigo follows Rukia in hopes of convincing her to marry him instead, while Tatsuki in turn follows Ichigo. Naturally, some meddling old fools decide to interfere.
1. Prologue

A Midsummer night's Dream

This has probably been done a million times before. I should probably start by defending my casting choices, or my wonderful timeline which makes no sense, and will probably soon be rendered useless by upcoming events in the manga. We'll save all these very complicated things for another chapter.

All I have to say is the following:

Don't try to make sense of this story. You will only end up more confused than you were to begin with.

Invisible Disclaimer:

I don't own Bleach. I don't own Kubo Tite. Nor do I own Shakespeare, Shakespeare's name, works, plot lines and characters. I also don't own this computer. A sad fact.

Prologue

Kuchiki Byakuya was sitting before Shihouin Yoruichi, goddess of flash, and sharing a calming cup of afternoon tea. Needless to say, he had been forced to take extreme measures. Very extreme. _Extremely_ extreme.

There was only one thing which could bring a captain Byakuya's caliber into the real world without orders from the superiors. And that was a very headstrong sister. Said sister had already left him with a terrible headache, which was now compounded by a distinct worry about what Yoruichi would suggest. Her smirk wasn't helping the situation.

"What have you come to speak with me about, I wonder, taichou?"

Her tone of voice made Byakuya's toes curl, but it was too late for regrets now. All he could do was launch into his complaint.

"I have come to speak with you about my sister. You know I have promised her hand in marriage to Captain Kurosaki?"

"Of course." Yoruichi acknowledged the claim with a slight nod. This had been common knowledge for a long time now.

"Then you also know that my cur of a lieutenant have been courting her? Against my express wishes, and enchanted by his fine words, though you would never believe it, all her obedience towards me have been replaced with defiance. Now Rukia and Abarai have fled into Rukongai, and I fear their intention is…marriage." He spat out the last word, as though repulsed by the very idea.

"And in you, her guardian, surely she must put her trust before in herself?" The expression on the woman's face made the good Captain wonder if she was being completely serious, but he ignored it none-the-less.

"She will marry whom I choose, or she will die. It is the law, and I refuse to lose face in this matter."

There was an eerie silence as both Kuchiki Byakuya and Shihouin Yoruichi slurped their tea. The silence was pierced only by creaking footsteps outside the door. Byakuya ignored it. Babysitting Urahara Kisuke was hardly one of his duties. Yoruichi also ignored it, though he suspected her reasons might be slightly different.

"I hear Captain Kurosaki has seduced Arisawa Tatsuki, and now abandoned her for the hope of marrying your sister."

A muffled sound as of something heavy dropping on the floor just outside the door prevented Byakuya from answering straight away. He still ignored it, however. If Kuchiki Byakuya had decided something didn't exist, it didn't exist. Simple as that.

"Regardless, she should marry him. What do I care of some lowly, unseated slip of a girl from another division? She will do as I say, or suffer the consequences."

"If you are quite sure, then she must…" Yoruichi continued sipping her tea, and tried desperately to ignore the almost chuckling-like sounds from the other side of the door. This spelled trouble.


	2. Act I A foul plot afoot

Author's Note:

If you haven't realized yet, this is a hideously bad rip off from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream". Let the flaming begin!

Act 1; A foul plot afoot.

"Isshin! Isshin, you useless bastard, wake up! Wake up, I say!"

Who was yelling at him? Why was anyone yelling at him? Somebody had better be dead if he was disturbed this early in the morning.

"You oaf!"

Isshin cracked open one eye to register who was insulting him at this hour in the morning. He still didn't plan on getting up, but it was good to know who he was to kill when the sun went up.

"Kisuke! What are you doing here?"

All sleep forgotten; Isshin Kurosaki tried to untangle himself from his sheets in order to give Urahara Kisuke a great big hug. He failed miserably, and landed face-first on the floor. Urahara impatiently hauled him to his feet, where he received a bone-crushing hug before being let go.

"Isshin, the kids are making stupid choices again. It's time to teach them how one achieves true happiness in life! With lies and deceit!" Urahara exclaimed happily, all the while throwing clothes at the former shinigami.

Isshin Kurosaki scoffed. "And which forms of lies and deceit should this week's lesson consist of?" But even though he slightly resented being woken so early in the morning, he still put on his clothes in a pace a circus performer who had only a clown between his two numbers would envy. Despite all his other faults, Isshin Kurosaki had only one weakness. Meddling with the life of his only son.

**¤ Meanwhile, near the forest that didn't exist¤**

"Stop following me!"

Tatsuki sighed heavily. As much as she loved Ichigo, he was damn annoying. Sometimes. Especially when he decided he didn't want her around. As if he thought he had a choice in the matter.

"You are being damn annoying Ichigo. You should be thanking me for telling you about this. That's all I asked for. A small god damn thank you."

Truthfully, she had asked for a lot more. Just not out loud. Not lately anyway.

"I told you, I don't like you anymore. Why don't you go train or something? I don't want you here."

"That is not your choice…obviously."

Ichigo had been more of an ass since he had been engaged to Rukia. Tatsuki liked Rukia. She was nice. And had no intention of marrying Ichigo either. That helped Tatsuki like her.

"Have I been nice to you? Have I in any way encouraged you to seek me out?"

"Lately" Tatsuki helpfully added.

"Lately" Ichigo conceded. "I was being nice to you, but apparently you read more into it." He continued trying to storm off in another random direction, the effect greatly spoiled by the fact that she was still following him. It didn't help that he was still shit at tracking reiatsu, and had no idea where he was going.

Meanwhile, his companion debated whether to point out that it was unlikely she had 'read more into it' than he intended. That would have been damn difficult. But it would be useless to provoke him anymore. He was more than capable of leaving her behind in the dust, as their common history had already shown.

"The only reason I haven't left you here is because I don't want you to get eaten by some hollow. Though nobody could possibly blame me for it…" The last statement was added under his breath.

Tatsuki threw him a dirty look. "The most vicious hollow is probably better company than you."

"Argh! Then why are you still here?"

Truthfully, she wanted to know that herself. Why the hell was she here? Why was she trying to help this ass? The truth was disconcerting, but Tatsuki knew she would prefer the scorn of her old childhood friend over the love and devotion of any other. She didn't even want to think what kind of a person that made her. A push-over at best. That didn't prevent her from shamelessly trudging after Ichigo, though.

**¤A few hours later, in the forest that didn't exist¤**

The woods were strangely quiet. When they had first entered birds had been singing, sunlight had filtered through the tree tops, and a cool breeze had been blowing. Now, everything was eerily quiet. And it was getting darker and darker. Rukia was a grown girl, and she wasn't scared of the dark, but she still pulled closer to Renji. She told herself it was only an excuse for her to let him put his arm around her. Which he did, to her great delight.

"Are you still upset over your brother?" She had to pause to consider that question. Was she?

"He's a damn fool, and should damn well know better."

Renji smiled at that. She liked it when he smiled. She made a mental note of insulting her brother more often, if this was the response she got.

"I say, if Captain Kuchiki loves Kurosaki so well, then he can marry him himself. Though I am not Captain yet, I am no worse match than he." Renji squeezed her shoulders slightly as he detected a slight shiver. Was she cold?

"He should not be thinking of marriage at all, the fool. Unless he decided to start a dating service for the romantically-challenged. In other words, himself."

Renji laughed this time. She liked it when he laughed. Mental note; think up more insults for her brother. Perhaps she could start referring to him as Betsy every time he was out of the room.

"Are you tired? Perhaps we should rest? We will not find a priest at this time of night anyway. And I fear we are lost."

"That sounds like a good idea." Rukia yawned. "You sleep over there. I will sleep under this maple."

That made Renji's smile slip right off his face. It was actually sort of funny. If you weren't tired enough to go into hibernation that very second of course.

"Are you serious? Rukia!" He whined. He was rather cute when he whined as well, she noted.

"I don't trust you as far as I can throw you Renji." She couldn't help but be smug as she noted his reaction. He looked like a kicked puppy. "Now do as I say." She lay down under her chosen tree, and smiled to herself as Renji grumbled while stalking away through the trees.

"If you need me, just yell. I don't want you getting hurt out here!"

She completely ignored him.

**¤With the meddling old fools¤**

"Have you ever seen such folly?" Isshin complained to Urahara, while watching Renji lie down in a bush.

"Yes, I must say, I never saw an idiot stupid enough to sleep inside a bush of poison Ivy." Urahara remarked, watching as Renji shot out of the bush with a curse, glared at it for a good ten seconds, and walked away with his nose in the air.

"I am talking about my son! Why would he reject the lovely Arisawa-san? My poor, poor son. Soul Society has muddled his brain. My poor boy."

Urahara looked at him with pitying eyes. "Don't worry, my old friend. We will make him see sense. Why do you think I lured them into this forest?" He smiled a wicked smile. Isshin stopped his blubbering for a second to look up at Urahara.

"This is your forest?"

"Of course. Forests don't just sprout up in the middle of Rukongai for no reason. This was designed as a training ground. And we will train the good sense of these kids, even if it kills them!" Urahara raised his fist in a gesture of victory. "Jinta?"

To their right, Jinta and Ururu stuck out their heads from behind a tree. Urahara beckoned for them to approach. His young charges did so, though slowly enough for him to start waving his hands around frantically to get them to move faster.

"Now, do you see this flower?" Urahara held up a green prickly thing which looked like anything but a flower. "One drop of juice from this flower, placed on the eyelid of a sleeping soul, will make them fall in love with the first person they see."

"What a completely useless piece of shit" Jinta remarked, while Ururu stared at it in fascination. Isshin stared at it with similar fascination, before a calculating look got into his eyes, and crept over his face, down to his hands, which started to rub each other.

"There is a young man wandering around in this forest, with a lovely young woman. Wait until he sleeps, and then put a drop of juice from the flower on his eyelid. Make sure the young woman is the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes." A stern tone crept into his voice.

"Yeah, whatever." But in the end, both Jinta and Ururu nodded, and started off into the murk of the woods. Satisfied with the nights work, Kurosaki Isshin and Urahara Kisuke went off to get a drink before admiring their handiwork. It would probably take some time for Jinta and Ururu to find Ichigo anyway.


	3. Act II Don't look down

Author's Note:

I have realized that a lot of people reading this are not familiar with the basic plot of "A Midsummer Night's Dream". I am hesitant to explain it, because I think it's a must read. However, I feel that I should explain that Rukia is cast as Hermia, Renji as Lysander, Ichigo as Demitrius and Tatsuki as Helena. Now that you have proper character representation you don't have to think so much. So go read it. Now!

**In a forest that still didn't exist**

Jinta would have found Renji sooner if it hadn't been for Ururu. Seriously, the girl couldn't even walk properly on her own. It was his firm belief that Ururu's entire existence was for the sole purpose of making his job harder. At least that's what he told himself.

"Give me the flower", he commanded in his most grown-up voice. In the last hundred years, Jinta had begun to hit puberty. But the problem with puberty was that sometimes, his voice cracked, and he sounded like a little girl. Which was really embarrassing, to say the least.

"Are you sure this is the right guy?"

"Of course I'm sure; the girl is lying right over there. Are you blind?"

"Well, how do we know it's them?" A hundred years had made Ururu only slightly less timid. But she still felt the need to ask the all-important question, to be sure they got it right.

"Do you see anyone else around? Stupid!"

Jinta promptly ripped the slightly deformed flower from Ururu's hand, and wrenched it out over Renji's face. A good deal of green slop splattered all over him.

"Now, let's go, I'm hungry."

"But…They told us to…"

"I don't give a damn. She's just over there. There are no animals around. Of course she will be the first thing he sees. Now let's get the hell out of here."

Ururu simply bowed her head, and stumbled after her friend. Of course, she just knew they had made a huge mistake.

**Later, with Demetrius the Dumb, and Helena the Hopeless**

"Would you slow down? You don't know where you're going. At this rate, you are bound to get us lost in the dark!"

Ichigo sighed. What had he done to deserve this? He just knew Tatsuki was silently insulting his ability to sense reiatsu. Or rather, his lack thereof.

"My advice to you is the same as before. Go away!"

"What, and leave you alone to get lost in the dark? I don't think so."

"Didn't I tell you? Your company is torture for me. I repeat; go away!"

"You –Ouff!"

Tatsuki had tripped over something, and fell face first into a bush. She silently swore. Like she hadn't suffered enough lately?

"Damnit, Ichigo, wait!"

But of course, the idiot completely ignored her. He strode off quickly, and was gone before she could even get up. Damn him. She looked down at what had made her trip. And gasped. Normally, Tatsuki wasn't a gasping kind of person. But once the surprise wore off, she had to suppress the urge to giggle. Another reaction that didn't come naturally to her. In his hurry, Ichigo had not only run away from her, he had also escaped a sleeping Renji.

"You are so lucky it was me who tripped over you…Hey, wake up!"

She kicked him. He was still snoring. She kicked him harder. He grunted. What was it about men? Were they all idiots?

"Abarai-fukutaichou. Wake up!"

Impatiently, she got down on her knees, and shook him awake. And it sure took a lot of shaking.

"Uhh…Arisawa-san? Is Ichigo with you? Ichigo…Such a foul name! That man was made to be impaled upon my sword!"

"Eh?"

"Arisawa-san, nay Tatsuki-chan… Where is Ichigo? I shall kill him!"

"Don't say that Abarai. You have Rukia, he does not. Surely that is enough?"

"Enough? Rukia? Certainly not. It is you I love, my lovely Tatsuki-chan. I regret all that time I wasted with her, when it is clear, we are meant to be together!"

"Is that supposed to be funny?"

She was angry now. Tatsuki Arisawa was no one's fool. Even though she and Abarai had never been close, she had assumed he held reasonable respect for her, as she did for him. But this was just ridiculous.

"Oh, Tatsuki-chan, for you I would walk through fire!"

"Enough! I may have to take Ichigo's scorn, but I certainly need not stand here and be the target of your ridicule!"

And with that she turned on her heel, and stalked off in the direction from which she could feel Ichigo's reiatsu.

Renji cast Rukia a nervous glance. He could almost discern her figure amongst the trees. Good thing Tatsuki hadn't seen her there. Without further thought, he stalked off after his beloved Tatsuki.

Under that dank tree, however, Rukia awoke with a start. A feeling of distinct dread had followed her into sleep, and produced a nightmare where a hollow feasted on her heart. She could still hear a cold laughter echoing in her ears. She needed to find Renji.

Hobbling up on unstable knees, she began her search, not finding him anywhere in the vicinity. She had to track his reiatsu.

**Back in Karakura**

Isshin was on a mission. A mission concerning his own personal vendetta. A mission which brought him to Urahara's storage room. Urahara Kisuke himself was unconscious on the porch, where Yoruichi had banished them both after they got too rowdy in the living room. Unknown to her, however, Isshin had only _pretended _to be roaring drunk. In order to drink Urahara under the table.

Hobbling along the first aisle, the completely sober Isshin tripped over a box with a green flower painted on it. After wiping his face off the floor, he grinned wickedly. Now Urahara would pay for waking him up so early today. And Yoruichi would pay for saying he couldn't hold his liquor. Because Isshin could _so_ hold his liquor.

Grabbing a handful of the ugly looking plant, Isshin silently skulked up the stairs towards Yoruichi's bedroom. The kids weren't the only one's making bad choices this week.


	4. Act III The NonStupid Side

Author's note: I am not happy. I have realized this whole thing has taken on a Hemingway-esque tone. How to counteract it, I wonder.

**Back in the woods that weren't woods**

Isshin was crawling through the bushes together with Jinta. He figured the boy was maturing, and he needed a male role model. Heavens knew Kisuke wasn't qualified for the job. He also made a mental note to stay clear of the poison ivy. He had crawled through enough patches to start suspecting Urahara of some foul play. But that was another fight for another day, because now he could hear Ichigo's voice from up ahead.

"Why are you doing this to me? Why?"

Isshin started to rub his hands together. This would be fun. And the grin slid right off his face when he heard the other voice.

"What do you mean why, dumbass? Isn't it painstakingly obvious?"

Rukia. Kuchiki Rukia. He turned his full frown upon Jinta.

"This is the woman, but not the man." Jinta replied in a hushed whisper, still eyes riveted on the orange head of hair bobbing up and down in between the trees.

"You idiot! This is the man but not the woman! Can you not tell the difference between my son, and your old freeloader?"

Isshin's voice rose in volume by every word, but it hardly mattered since Rukia was attempting to outrun Ichigo, and Ichigo seemed determined to catch up. Both were absolutely oblivious to what was happening around them. The sun could have fallen out of the sky, for all they would have noticed.

"Where is Renji?"

Rukia had finally stopped walking, and decided that confronting Ichigo would be a better idea.

"How should I know? He could be dead for all I care."

Ichigo was sullen. He had been walking in random directions all night; he was tired, and couldn't believe he had to put up with this abuse. In his mind, Rukia would have fallen into his arms as soon as he appeared. Needless to say, he hadn't really thought it through.

"Have you killed him? Did you kill him in his sleep, coward?"

"I did not! Though if I had the opportunity, I would gladly cut him up into little pieces."

Was it really fair that he had to suffer through all of this over a woman? Besides, no matter what he said, it seemed as if Rukia only got angrier. What was he to do?

"Then where is he? Tell me where he is, Ichigo."

He had to contemplate that. How could he turn this whole scenario to his advantage?

"If I tell you where he is, what do I get for my troubles?"

Further proof that Ichigo Kurosaki wasn't the brightest bulb in the bunch.

"My foot up your ass, and the supreme pleasure of never seeing me again!"

Rukia was getting pissed off. She should've known there was no reasoning with the jackass of jackass's.

"You are hopeless! Why don't you just relent?"

"Get stuffed, Strawberry!"

And with that, Rukia scurried away, hoping to find Renji before anything horrible happened. She had a really bad feeling about this. As for Ichigo, he had given up on trying to follow Rukia. He had even given up trying to stand. He figured, it was time for some very well-deserved sleep.

Meanwhile, as Ichigo started to snore quite loudly, Isshin was glaring evilly at Jinta.

"You fool! What have you done? Everything is backwards!"

"Hey, it wasn't me, it was Ururu! I said we should make sure that it was the right idiot we enchanted, but no, she wanted to go home and eat!"

Jinta felt relatively confident in blaming the girl. If he played his card's right, nobody would know the truth.

"Go- Get- Tatsuki-Chan!" Isshin breathed, a vein throbbing at his left temple. Jinta was afraid it would burst at any second, so he quickly disappeared in a random direction, desperately trying to remember who Tatsuki-chan was, and how her reiatsu felt.

"Why will you not believe me? I love you! I love you more than my own eyes. Please, demand me to cut out my eyes to prove my love!"

"Would you not cut out your tongue instead, you mindless buffoon!"

Oh, right. Tatsuki-chan was Arisawa-san. Now he got it. Making certain they were heading in the right direction, Jinta hurried back to Isshin as fast as his legs could carry him. This was going to be good.

"Kurosaki-san, Arisawa and Abarai are headed this way." He stopped when he saw Isshin trying fruitlessly to wipe his hands, covered in green mucus, on a bunch of poison ivy leaves.

"Then sit back and watch the show."

And that was what they did. Hiding behind a large bush, presumably containing more poison ivy, Isshin and Jinta waited for Renji and Tatsuki to notice the snoring Ichigo.

"Why the hell are you doing this to Rukia anyway? Weren't you two running away to get married?"

Renji paused for a moment. He couldn't quite remember much about Rukia, but he knew what Tatsuki said was true.

"I made a mistake. Please, forgive my indescretions."

"Indescretions? Do you even know what that word means?"

"Well…I-"

But Tatsuki was no longer paying any attention to him. She had spotted Ichigo. Or rather, she had heard him first. He was snoring worse than Renji.

"Ichigo!"

She knelt down over him, and started shaking him.

"Wake up!"

He slowly, blinked once, twice, and then completely opened his eyes.

"Tatsuki?"

"You idiot! Have you been sleeping this whole time?"

"No…I…You're so beautiful, Tatsuki."

"You- What!?"

Flabbergasted. That was the only word that could describe how she felt. He must be delirious.

"Forgive me…beautiful is not a strong enough word for how enchanting you look. Please, no word in any language can convey strongly enough, just how lovely you are to me."

He grabbed her hand, and kissed it gently. Tatsuki granted herself about three seconds to stare at him like he had just sprouted antlers, and then ripped her hand away, and stood to glare at him ominously.

"I see what's going on." She let her glare transfer from Ichigo to Renji, and back again. "It is not enough that you both clearly despise me, but now you must mock me too!"

Now she was angry. Apparently, Renji and Ichigo had decided to look past their disagreements about Rukia, to join forces in spiting her as much as possible. It didn't even for a second occur to her that she was being even more paranoid than usual.

"Tell me, exactly what is it I have done to inspire this…this…maliciousness?"

Grimly, she pierced both men with her most fierce scowl, and waited for an answer. Shockingly, it was Renji who spoke first.

"Ichigo, you are being cruel. We all know that you love Rukia. And I will gladly give her to you, if you only step aside, and let me have Tatsuki-chan."

"Congratulations Abarai" Tatsuki remarked, "Never have you wasted your breath more than today."

Ichigo now turned his glare upon Renji, to give expression for his loathing.

"Don't worry Renji, you can keep Rukia. I can't say I ever cared for her much. How could I, when it is clear my heart belongs to Tatsuki?"

"Tatsuki-chan, he's lying! You know he is lying. Has he not spurned you on several occasions?"

"Why would I lie? Tatsuki, you love me! Tell this idiot to seek his luck elsewhere!"

Calmly, Tatsuki decided to inform them exactly where she stood in this matter. On the non-stupid side. And a damn lonely side it was.

"For the record, I think you're both lying. And if your tongues by some miracle hadn't turned blue, I would remark that it seems like you two are more concerned about opposing each other, than you are of securing the affection of either me or Rukia."

"What the hell is going on here?"

Everybody's attention, including Isshin Kurosaki, and Jinta's, turned to Rukia, newly arrived at the scene.

"Renji, why did you disappear?"

She slowly approached, hands reaching up to hug him. Renji quickly raised his arms to fend her off.

"Why should I have stayed, when love beckoned?"

He dreamily turned to gaze lovingly at Tatsuki, who in turn rewarded him with her deadliest glare.

"I didn't realize love could beckon you _away _from me." Rukia's voice had taken on a hint of steel, but Renji remained blissfully unaware.

"But I love Tatsuki-chan!" Renji's own voice whined, and his face was all that of an adoring puppy.

"What?" Rukia deadpanned, turning her stare at Tatsuki, who in turn transferred her glower from Renji to Rukia.

"Well would you look at that. She's in on it as well. Weren't we friends? Was it not enough that they both love you? You wanted me to suffer the worst degradation possible, before you took what was yours?"

Tatsuki was getting angry again. Not that she ever stopped.

"You are being paranoid" Rukia informed her. "If there is any degradation being suffered here, surely it is mine."

"Well, we both know that neither one of these idiots love me. I laugh to think about it."

"It is not true" Renji protested. "I love you with all my heart. Just let me prove it."

"He's lying. I love you more!"

Renji whirled around to face Ichigo, one hand on his sword.

"If that is the case, why don't you prove it?"

"Gladly!" Ichigo drew his own sword, and moved purposefully towards Renji.

Meanwhile, both Rukia and Tatsuki shared equally incredulous expression.

"You must be joking?" Rukia spoke to no one in particular, watching as Ichigo and Renji stalked away to find a clearing to have a proper fight in.

"No more than you, dear" Tatsuki answered.

**All hail the cliffhanger of doom!**


End file.
